May I ask for the help of a fluent Spanish-speaker?

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    UtauReni

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    May I ask for the help of a fluent Spanish-speaker?

    Post by UtauReni on Wed Oct 06, 2010 12:32 am

    I've been working on an original UTAU song lately. It's a Latin tune, and I have written Spanish lyrics for it. However, I have a limited knowledge of the language, and I want to make sure all the linguistics are in check.

    Here's what I've got:

    Cuando bailamos en la luz de las estrellas y la luna
    Tu pelo se parece a raso y tus ojos, diamentes
    En el cielo de noche, no hay futuro o pasado
    Mi corazon llorando
    La sangre en mis manos, todo yo quiero en mi vida,
    es tu amor

    Cuando bailamos, hay un fuego en nosotros corazones
    No quiero la realidad, quiero solamente te beso todo el tiempo
    Conozco que tu vas a comprender mis sentimientos
    Cuando mueres
    Tu amas ella solamente, pero ella es en su tumba
    Me amas, por favor

    Cuando bailamos, escuchando a la banda
    Memoria viva, el fuego ardiendo
    Tu sonrisa es
    Una mentira
    Pero te quiero
    Cuando bailamos

    My English translation:

    When we dance in the light of the stars and the moon
    Your hair is like satin and your eyes, diamond
    In the night sky, there is no past or future
    My heart is crying
    The blood on my hands, everything I want in my life
    is your love

    When we dance, there is a fire in our hearts
    I do not want reality, I just want to kiss you all the time
    I know that you are going to understand my feelings
    When you die
    You love her alone, but she is in her grave
    Love me, please

    When we dance, listening to the band
    Living memory, the fire burning
    Your smile is
    A lie
    But I want you
    When we dance




    So if anything seems a bit wonky, either in the Spanish itself or the English translation I have, please let me know! Thanks!

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    Re: May I ask for the help of a fluent Spanish-speaker?

    Post by Guest on Wed Oct 06, 2010 1:00 am

    Go find Yesi...She can help you.
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    Catarsis

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    Re: May I ask for the help of a fluent Spanish-speaker?

    Post by Catarsis on Thu Oct 07, 2010 8:16 pm

    UtauReni wrote:I've been working on an original UTAU song lately. It's a Latin tune, and I have written Spanish lyrics for it. However, I have a limited knowledge of the language, and I want to make sure all the linguistics are in check.

    Here's what I've got:

    Cuando bailamos en la luz de las estrellas y la luna
    Tu pelo se parece a raso y tus ojos, diamentes
    En el cielo de noche, no hay futuro o pasado
    Mi corazon llorando
    La sangre en mis manos, todo yo quiero en mi vida,
    es tu amor

    Cuando bailamos, hay un fuego en nosotros corazones
    No quiero la realidad, quiero solamente te beso todo el tiempo
    Conozco que tu vas a comprender mis sentimientos
    Cuando mueres
    Tu amas ella solamente, pero ella es en su tumba
    Me amas, por favor

    Cuando bailamos, escuchando a la banda
    Memoria viva, el fuego ardiendo
    Tu sonrisa es
    Una mentira
    Pero te quiero
    Cuando bailamos

    My English translation:

    When we dance in the light of the stars and the moon
    Your hair is like satin and your eyes, diamond
    In the night sky, there is no past or future
    My heart is crying
    The blood on my hands, everything I want in my life
    is your love

    When we dance, there is a fire in our hearts
    I do not want reality, I just want to kiss you all the time
    I know that you are going to understand my feelings
    When you die
    You love her alone, but she is in her grave
    Love me, please

    When we dance, listening to the band
    Living memory, the fire burning
    Your smile is
    A lie
    But I want you
    When we dance




    So if anything seems a bit wonky, either in the Spanish itself or the English translation I have, please let me know! Thanks!

    I've corrected it:
    Spoiler:

    Cuando bailamos en la luz de las estrellas y la luna
    Tu pelo es como raso y tus ojos, diamantes
    En el cielo de noche, no hay futuro o pasado
    Mi corazón llorando
    La sangre en mis manos, todo yo quiero en mi vida,
    es tu amor

    Cuando bailamos, hay un fuego en nuestros corazones
    No quiero la realidad, solo quiero besarte todo el tiempo
    Sé que tu vas a comprender mis sentimientos
    Cuando mueras
    La amas sola, pero ella está en su tumba
    Ámame, por favor

    Cuando bailamos, escuchando a la banda
    Memoria viviente, el fuego ardiendo
    Tu sonrisa es
    Una mentira
    Pero te quiero
    Cuando bailamos

    I hope it fits the melody Smile
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    irei1as

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    Re: May I ask for the help of a fluent Spanish-speaker?

    Post by irei1as on Fri Oct 08, 2010 4:12 am

    vodKata fixes are correct. She speaks Spanish as main language after all, heh.

    But let me try to make another adaption to Spanish. Take in count both traslations are right, but just with different dialects (the same way as USA English and UK English are both correct English but a bit different). You could also mix the lines so they can fit better the melody as they're mainly interchangeable.

    Spoiler:

    -Let me mark the changes with a number in brackets.-

    Cuando bailamos bajo(1) la luz de las estrellas y la luna
    Tu pelo es satín(2) y tus ojos, diamantes(3)
    En el cielo de la(4) noche, no hay ni futuro ni(5) pasado
    Mi corazon está llorando(6)
    La sangre en mis manos, todo lo que(7) quiero en mi vida,
    es tu amor.

    Cuando bailamos, hay (8)fuego en nuestros(9) corazones
    No quiero la realidad, sólo deseo(10) besarte(11) todo el tiempo
    Sé que comprenderás(12) mis sentimientos
    Mientras mueres(13)
    Únicamente a ella amas(14), pero ya está(15) en su tumba
    Amame a mí, por favor(16)

    Cuando bailamos, escuchando a la banda
    Memoria viva, (17)fuego ardiendo
    Tu sonrisa es
    Una mentira
    Pero te quiero
    Cuando bailamos



    (1) Here "bajo" seems more natural to me.
    (2) This was a hard one. I changed the traslation from English a bit to make it sound better so it's not a literal traslation but it has the same meaning. The literal traslation could be "Tu pelo es como satín y tus ojos, diamantes" as here you want a comparation with the fabric called "satín" and not the adjective, "raso".
    (3) It was a typo. Same change as vodKata version.
    (4) I think it could be also "Bajo el cielo de la noche,". But I think a more celestial meaning intead a location meaning that "bajo" points could be better here.
    I like more using "la" before "noche" but it can perfectly be omitted like vodKata did.
    (5)I feel this way sounds nice. Spanish have a lot of different ways for expresing "neither - nor -".
    (6)Another could be "Mi corazón llora". The meaning is almost the same.
    (7)I think this is a more accurate to the English traslation. Only point in the song I don't agree with vodKata fixes.
    (8)Using here "un" describes like if there were a bonfire in the heart, while not using "un" would mean the heart is a very hot place like inside an old boiler room. Both ways are correct but with a bit different meaning.
    (9)It's was a typo. Same change as vodkata's version.
    (10)As "quiero" is used a lot I though using "deseo" would give more change here and leave the repetition pattern to only the "cuando bailamos" part. "Quiero" is totally correct, of course.
    (11)Same change as vodKata's. "Sólo te deseo besar"/"Sólo te quiero besar" are correct, too.
    (12)vodKata's traslation is better here. I'm did an interpretation of the song here and with the next line.
    (13)Hmm, hard one to choose between "mientras" and "cuando". I like the sound of "mientras" here as I like how you repeat "cuando bailamos" as a musical repetition so I think you could keep "cuando2 only for that. But it's true "cuando" is a lot more faithful to the original meaning like vodKata stated.
    (14)Hmm, I think it sounds more correct this way. But vodKatas is shorter and more direct so it's better for the rymthm of the song.
    (15)"ya" means the dead person is already dead so I'm using it to give a direct feeling. If the death is in a close future or it's not yet a sure fact, then vodKata's traslation is better as it's more flexible.
    (16)The "a mí" part is actually unnecessary (the meaning it's inside "Ámame" already) but I think it remarks the plea.
    (17)Same as ( 8 ) but now it uses "el" instead "un".


    Last edited by irei1as on Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:41 am; edited 2 times in total
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    Catarsis

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    Re: May I ask for the help of a fluent Spanish-speaker?

    Post by Catarsis on Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:32 pm

    irei1as wrote:vodKata fixes are correct. She speaks Spanish as main language after all, heh.

    But let me try to make another adaption to Spanish. Take in count both traslations are right, but just with different dialects (the same way as USA English and UK English are both correct English but a bit different). You could also mix the lines so they can fit better the melody as they're mainly interchangeable.

    Spoiler:

    -Let me mark the changes with a number in brackets.-

    Cuando bailamos bajo(1) la luz de las estrellas y la luna
    Tu pelo es satín(2) y tus ojos, diamantes(3)
    En el cielo de la(4) noche, no hay ni futuro ni(5) pasado
    Mi corazon está llorando(6)
    La sangre en mis manos, todo lo que(7) quiero en mi vida,
    es tu amor.

    Cuando bailamos, hay (8)fuego en nuestros(9) corazones
    No quiero la realidad, sólo deseo(10) besarte(11) todo el tiempo
    Sé que comprenderás(12) mis sentimientos
    Mientras mueres(13)
    Únicamente a ella amas(14), pero ya está(15) en su tumba
    Amame a mí, por favor(16)

    Cuando bailamos, escuchando a la banda
    Memoria viva, (17)fuego ardiendo
    Tu sonrisa es
    Una mentira
    Pero te quiero
    Cuando bailamos



    (1) Here "bajo" seems more natural to me.
    (2) This was a hard one. I changed the traslation from English a bit to make it sound better so it's not a literal traslation but it has the same meaning. The literal traslation could be "Tu pelo es como satín y tus ojos, diamantes" as here you want a comparation with the fabric called "satín" and not the adjective, "raso".
    (3) It was a typo. Same change as vodKata version.
    (4) I think it could be also "Bajo el cielo de la noche,". But I think a more celestial meaning intead a location meaning that "bajo" points could be better here.
    I like more using "la" before "noche" but it can perfectly be omitted like vodKata did.
    (5)I feel this way sounds nice. Spanish have a lot of different ways for expresing "neither - nor -".
    (6)Another could be "Mi corazón llora". The meaning is almost the same.
    (7)I think this is a more accurate to the English traslation. Only point in the song I don't agree with vodKata fixes.
    (8)Using here "un" describes like if there were a bonfire in the heart, while not using "un" would mean the heart is a very hot place like inside an old boiler room. Both ways are correct but with a bit different meaning.
    (9)It's was a typo. Same change as vodkata's version.
    (10)As "quiero" is used a lot I though using "deseo" would give more change here and leave the repetition pattern to only the "cuando bailamos" part. "Quiero" is totally correct, of course.
    (11)Same change as vodKata's. "Sólo te deseo besar"/"Sólo te quiero besar" are correct, too.
    (12)vodKata's traslation is better here. I'm did an interpretation of the song here and with the next line.
    (13)Hmm, hard one to choose between "mientras" and "cuando". I like the sound of "mientras" here as I like how you repeat "cuando bailamos" as a musical repetition so I think you could keep "cuando2 only for that. But it's true "cuando" is a lot more faithful to the original meaning like vodKata stated.
    (14)Hmm, I think it sounds more correct this way. But vodKatas is shorter and more direct so it's better for the rymthm of the song.
    (15)"ya" means the dead person is already dead so I'm using it to give a direct feeling. If the death is in a close future or it's not yet a sure fact, then vodKata's traslation is better as it's more flexible.
    (16)The "a mí" part is actually unnecessary (the meaning it's inside "Ámame" already) but I think it remarks the plea.
    (17)Same as (Cool but now it uses "el" instead "un".

    Exactly. Irei is from Spain and I'm from Chile so there are some differences, but nothing special Smile
    They're just different dialects, so both versions are OK.

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