Discriptive Writing Practice~

    KaneYuki
    KaneYuki

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    Post by KaneYuki on Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:59 pm

    If anyone wants to give me feed back that'd be GREAT~

    Just a silly story kinda giving insight on Kane's personality.


    Snippet Start~

    Kane loves clothes. Many people think this is because he's gay, but Kane denies this as the reason. He loves clothes because he loves doing laundry.
    He loves getting up early on Sunday morning to watch the sun rise, as the sent of powdery soap floats through the air. He loves the sound of the hypnotic turning of the wash, the soft faint sounds of waves as he sits in a state of pure tranquility.
    He loves the way the sun spills in the window and flows around the white sheets as he pins them up to dry. He loves getting away from the hustle bustle of everyday life, away from all the stress. He loves the way doing laundry keeps him calm even as he moves the soaking fabric to the windowed dryer. He loves sitting and watching the machine swirl the water out of the clothing, as it makes entrancing sounds when the buttons of his roommates jeans click, click, click against the edge of the metal drum.
    He loves pulling the clothes out and putting them in a pile on the table to wait for folding. But his favorite part of doing laundry is falling asleep on the nice, warm, clean clothes, all while enjoying the pleasant aroma of fresh linens.



    He loves doing other chores too, but laundry is his favorite~
    hello8bit
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    Post by hello8bit on Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:12 pm

    I'm a bit tired, so I only skimmed it. But from what I can see, you are using the same phrases over and over. Specifically "he loves". Perhaps it is for emphasis, but it does not keep me interested. It comes to the point where I think "Who CARES what else he loves?!" Use a wider range of vocabulary and put that thesaurus to use!

    Your attention to detail is good, but not great. As I said, you could use better adjectives and even some adverbs to liven up the writing. Though I commend you on small details like "hustle and bustle" and good use of onomatopoeia.

    One other thing I noticed is your incorrect usage of commas and awkward sentence fragments. Don't just think that because there is a comma there, it automatically fixes your fragment or run on. In some cases you tried to link together two complete thoughts with a comma when a semi-colon would have been the more reasonable choice.

    I'm not much of a writer so I won't go any more in depth than that. I hope I didn't come off as too harsh or mean, I just like to get to the point. Writing is something I struggle with personally, but hopefully you understand my viewpoints and will take them into consideration when reading over your own piece. It's a very cute concept, so I hope you intend to finish it. non/
    KaneYuki
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    Post by KaneYuki on Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:21 pm

    Well, the "He loves" is more for the poetic kinda deal ^w^;
    But I also kinda avoided the thesaurus because I'm usually yelled at for having "too many words" Laughing

    I have been told MANY times to use commas like that :/ but i do use them often enough to bug me, but noone ever tells me how to use them correctly. :/ figures my current writing class is a stupid persuasive writing essay class -thought it was going to be a creative writing class-

    I have NEVER been told how to use a semi-colon. I have a writers pamphlet the school hands out, but it just says "used for lists". :/

    But thank you for the advice ^w^ it will help~
    -scurries of to find out how to use semi-colons-
    smeen
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    Post by smeen on Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:19 am

    *reads through it*

    You did pretty well, there are some things I would've written different because the sentence flows better that way, but... No big changes. I wrote them down here anyway, just so you'll understand what I mean.

    - 'but Kane denies this as the reason.' I would've written 'to be' instead of 'as'. So the sentence becomes 'but Kane denies this to be the reason.' It just sounds better to me.

    - 'He loves the sound of the hypnotic turning of the wash' This sentence has too much 'the' in it. I don't really know how to change it properly, but it doesn't feel good like this.

    That's it... I hope this helped you a little.
    KaneYuki
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    Post by KaneYuki on Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:53 am

    @smeen

    Yeah, I could understand that.
    orz I gotta work on the "the" problem

    Maybe change it to 'He loves that hypnotic sound that comes during the turning of his wash'?
    smeen
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    Post by smeen on Wed Oct 20, 2010 10:54 am

    Yes, that sounds better.

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